Tournament Time: One and Done

Sadly enough, the inagrual Slayer Softball season is over. No fanfare. No fireworks. Not even a thoroughly fair game was played.

TUG SAID: "Cheaters never win and winners never cheat." Hope they enjoy their no winning nothing, bottom-feeder softball league win. Cheaters.

Meeting VML (Team 2) for the third time in three weeks didn't bode so well this time around. After beating them 32-6 in game one, and muscling out a one-run win in game two (when VML had players from other teams playing), team SHS couldn't find an empty hole in the field, or get their bats rattling enough to overcome a team that is apparently "peaking at the right time."

TUG SAID: If by "peaking" they mean ... Oh, wait, just read the following paragraph.

And by "peaking," they mean "bringing quite a few of their Team 1 players to the game." Seriously. Of the 12 players that took the field against us, five of them had played against us the other two times. Five. That's not peaking, that's stacking. When Coacherson asked several of his old co-workers how many times their team had played us this season, none of them could answer.

TUG SAID: Sons-of-bitches.

Even though VML felt the urge to stack the team (with players from their 9-1 team), that didn't mean that SHS was going to roll over and give up. In fact, quite the opposite. Playing in one of their best defensive games of the season, the game was always within reach for either team to win. A few see-saw plays here and there and the outcome could've been different.

In the end, SHS didn't score the last three innnings of the game and wound up a four-run loser to VML, 10-6.

TUG SAID: It was a tough game we played. I submit that our fielding was the best we've exhibited all season. We simply didn't have the bats.

This time it wasn't Wegerer's fault, he showed up shortly after the game.

TUG SAID: I still blame him.

Third time's the charmiest!

Beating a team is sometimes a hard thing to do. Beating that same team twice in one week is a harder thing to do. But to beat the same team three times in one week, and, ultimately, twice in one day... now that's something to be excited about.

After molesting VML 32-6 on Monday night, the same two teams (said with a grain of salt, because VML's team was a bit different and much more competitive) met up for their third "match" of the week.* But the SHS team wasn't quite the same, either. Both Neil (business travel) and Heath (strained hammy) sat out of the game, leaving it up to Tug and the rest of his motley crue to inflict as much pain on VML as possible.

"I'll be honest with you, I hate pitching," said an enraged McTighe in the third inning, just after Bill (the lone, century-old, umpire) called Tug a bitch. "I about had "The Gentile One" (Ben Coldwell) punch him out. Bill's lucky we won."

The game was a much closer one than Monday night. Both teams either tied the game or took the lead each time they batted. Several of the SHSers thought it was going to be a cake-walk... "I need to go tanning," exclaimed Kim "Nevada" Cook, after picking up her fourth RBI of the season.

But in the end, nothing could stop SHS. The fact that VML brought in one of their A-team (record is 9-1) ringers and two Osborn-Barr ringers, didn't help. Not even the fact that Ashley "4:50" Sloan somehow had a contact incident. Even the secret weapon of Rex, couldn't unrail SHS.

Chalk up two more in-the-park homers the team (Mandy and Coacherson), a game-winning RBI for Mandy and a solid performance for McTighe... and that equals up to a bottom-of-the-fifth-inning, 12-11 win for SHS.

With that win, SHS finishes the regular season 7-3 and tied for first place of the Tuesday/Thursday division. For tournament-seeding, a coin toss gave us second place and we play the winner of VML/BEAP next Thursday at 7:00.

Up soon, the All-Star game and home run derby!

* Matches one and three were on the softball field. Match two was in the RFP world for UMB.com, also won by SHS. :)

Somebody Call All Our Mommas...

...'cause someone just got whipped! Drubbed. Spanked. Slammed. Destroyed, more like it.

Yes, the bats were alive for SHS tonight, and a fourth rain-out couldn't save VML (team two) from the onslaught that was Monday night. "It hurt... bad," said Bunz Kennedy, about mega-f'ing his leg up while running home on his THIRD IN THE PARK HOME RUN.

Kennedy wasn't SHS' only offense tonight, though. Everyone took part... everyone. Let's run through some highlights:

• Bunz Kennedy - Three in the park home runs


• Gentle Ben - Two in the park home runs


• Kim "Nevada" Cook - 2 for 4 with 3 RBIs


• Coacherson - Hit for the cycle, SHS' second out of parker


• Mandy "What???" Shannon - Two triples and a double


• McTighe - Two great innings of relief pitching (in preparation for Thursday), one great box joke


• Can't... remember... it... all...

The deal is, we won. Big. 32-6, big. Ouch. Don't believe us? Check out the Seedboard up above. Seedboards don't lie.

Rematch Thursday, get ready.

Wegs 3, SHS 0

In a game that we really don't want to elaborate too much on, a week after we beat the only undefeated team in our league, they got the upper hand on us in the last inning of play.

Long story short, Matt Wegerer showed up half-way through the game. And guess what, we lost. Shocker.

Thanks Matt. Please don't come to a game, again.

Adversity Rears Its Ugly Head, Only To Be Bitten Off

When they took the field on a sweltering July day in July, the Kansas City softball Slayers found themselves looking down the barrel of a loaded shotgun. Missing two players due to lack of female participation, these Slayballers would have to face the wolves of NK, ravenous and drooling from an early season loss to SHS and looking for payback.

Forced to play a ramshackle version of CYA softball due to the short side, pitcher Neil Getzlow was also forced to cover second, while Tug and Ali Westerholter took the SS and third side of the infield. Brooke Goetz, in her inagural appearance with the squadron, was inserted at first, even after admitting, "I don't think I've caught a ball in 10 years." The black clouds were gathering for SHS. They were gathering quickly.

But on this day, no loss would come. For mere moments into the game, the team turned its first double play of the season when Neil grabbed a short grounder back to the mound, flipped it over to Tug who rifled it to Brooke. Two up, two down. Quite an auspicious beginning for the makeshift Slayers.

Then, NK simply folded under the pressure.

The SHS bats were hot. Everyone hit the pants off of it. Brooke, Ali, Neil, Seth, Tug, Kelly, Craig, Jerome, [INSERT YOUR NAME HERE] -- everyone contributed. Special kudos go out to our first two Homers of the season: Ben knocked one off the fence and out of the park, while Paula belted a long fly to left center that allowed her to -- huffingly -- touch all the bags. To add to NK's plight: both dingers came in the same inning.

The long a short of it is this: SHS 13, NK 6.

Neil Getzlow, coming off his worst pitching outing of the season, having walked four, had this to say. "Did I suck? Yes. Did we? No. Now get your cameras out of my face!"

(When told that there were no cameras, and indeed, no reporters asking him questions, Neil just wandered off into the woods.)

SLAYER BITS:
- Fill in players were especially handy -- Kelly and Brooke made the win possible
- Slayers have won 3 straight, 4 if you include the forfeit win, which we do
– SOM™ - Ben Coldwell, for his batting, his dandy play at first, and his height
– Charley Hustle Award™ - Heath Kennedy, for his slide into 2nd and subsequent headfirst dive into third.

There's no "I" in "B-E-A-P"... but there is one in "W-I-N"

"My momma always said it would be tough... and boy was she right." That was the only thing Gentle Ben had to say after SHS' last-inning win over in-town rival Barkley Evergreen & Partners. Well, he also mentioned something about 'where his bitches at,' but that's not important. What IS important, is that SHS is now riding a two-game (or three, if you count astericks) winning steak thanks to, well, basically EVERYONE on the team.

"There were no individual outstanding players tonight," exclaimed an exhausted Carrie "That's Right Biotch" Cardwell, "we stuck together as a team, got the bad calls as a team and kicked their f#@$ing ass as a team tonight... that's why they lost. Losers."

Carrie was right. The pre-game ritual of batting practice will definitely continue now that SHS has rattled off two outstanding wins... one against BR and the other against the previously undefeated BEAP.

That doesn't mean it wasn't a tough game, however. Tuesday's game definitely pushed the limits of what was achievable for the SHS crew. It was a battle back and forth the entire game, not so much a pitchers duel, in fact, quite the opposite. With literally two minutes to go in the game, good ol' Bill called for one more inning. SHS, nursing a three-run lead, relapsed into the olden days and allowed BEAP to jump ahead by three runs, 16-13. All this after an outstanding 2-out rally in the bottom of the 5th inning.

It wasn't looking good for team SHS going into the bottom half of the 6th, but after the instructions "take a deep breath, you sons-o-bitches," from Coacherson, the team responded with, yet, another 2-out rally to beat BEAP, 17-16.

Amazing. BEAP was stunned, and then promptly left the field (with tails tucked). SHS, on the other hand, stuck around and finished off the more-than-usual amount of beer that Tug and "Three-Bruises-on-one-play" Paula provided. A special guest, Rand "I can talk shit with the best of them" Mikulecky, was there to cheer on the team... or was it to give Neil an extremely hard time? Who knows, who cares, we won!

BR-eaking Off a Win!

The headline does not lie.

Tonight, SHS avenged the previous, horrible, crudnific loss to BR. Yes, the one that ended up reading 22-7. The one where the team shared 17 errors. The one where we completely beat ourselves.

Tonight, the bats and gloves sang a much different tune. Trailing only 1-0 after the top half of the first inning, the entire team took an at bat in the bottom half. Paula "friend of McTighe," slammed a triple over the left feilder's head, and everyone else followed suit - jumping all over BR, 6-1. There was no sign of slowing from there.

Craig "I'ma-hitta-homer-soon" Kobler overheard their team saying that we should be an easy win since we killed them last time. Apparently BR doesn't believe in karma.

Tonight the bats were on fire, and if Bunz Kennedy could'a jumped another foot, the score would've been much better. But in the end the Slayers prevailed 12-9 (or was it 13-10?). Who cares, we won!

Jerome "NASCAR" Kriebel had this to say after the game. "They thought they had an easy win... ha! Guess again. Where Ben and Neil's bitches at?" Good question, Jerome. Good question.

Next week, games on Tuesday AND Thursday. Time to "RIDE THE SNAKE," (for you Jim Carrey fans).

Two Doesn't Constitute a Streak, Does It?

Fresh off of three weeks rest, the Slayers took the field last night in a battle against the 0-2 Three Wide Marketing. After the game, Three Wide was no longer winless and SHS found themselves at an astonishing crossroads of questions.

"We should've just taken this week off. Hell, we pretty much did," exclaimed Iron Balls Getzlow, "but I'm still a bad ass. Where my bitches at?"

Neil was right. After starting the game in true copycat fashion (of Heath "Bunz" Kennedy), Coacherson slapped a ball into the outfield and pressured the fielders to throw him out at second. One error later, SHS was on the board with a home run, in-the-park style.

From there the game made a turn for the worst.

It wasn't 17 errors that killed them this time around, it was their bats and some horrendous base-running. You can't leave 10 base-runners stranded and expect to win. Oh yeah, it doesn't help if you only score in the first two innings.

"We just need a little more practice," said Gentle Ben, "either that or next time we show up trashed. Where my bitches at?"

Even though the team welcomed a new player last night, Paula - friend of McTighe, SHS couldn't escape the evening with a victory, falling to 1-2 on the season after Three Wide drubbed them 15-3.

Up next, Bernstein-Rein. Great.

Haven't lost in a while.

Because we haven't played in a while. our June 2 game was rained out and we had to reschedule last week's game due to our agency open house.

So we're still 1-1.

Check back on Friday when we will be 1-2.

Dead before we even got there.

The bats were cold, the gloves were stiff and the bloodstains were real. What could have been a Cinderella season turned quickly into one that even the hideous stepsisters would spurn. Game Two? Loss one. And what a loss it was, the final
score -- incredibly -- actually far worse than it looks. 22-7 to Bernstein-Rein.

Every player on the team save eventual Slayer of the Match™ Hilary Salstrom. (Last weeks' SOM™ was pitcher Neil Getzlow) committed at least one fielding error, and many on the squad committed two or more. Heath dropped a couple, Seth tossed one over, through and beyond the fence. And Tug, well let's just say that while his surgically-enhanced knees can run fly balls down, his all too natural hands simply suck ass.

All in all, it was a sad day for the Slayers, as this anemic performance was turned in before their all-time largest crowd. Announced attencance was 17.

Next attempt at a win comes this Thursday, June 2 at 7 p.m. when the Slayers line up against VML 2. (Here's hoping the 2 in their name stands for 2nd rate or 2nd best or simply, not as good as their other team.)

We need all the hope we can get.

Getzlow's Mighty Will and Rag Arm Lead Team to First Victory!

It started out with a bang.

Literally.

Palladium's own Heath Kennedy led off the 2005 SHS Softball Season with a scorching inside the park home run. Technically, this would have probably been scored a triple with about 857 grabbing, holding and throwing errors, but Heath made it a four-bagger all the same. So, unbelievably, SHS led 1-0 after the very first pitch in their very first game. A shocked and, quite frankly, very, very, very, very, very, very winded Kennedy could barely contain his excitement, "Did you see that?" he gasped. "That one was for Harrisonville!" He then collapsed, face down in a puddle of his own slobber.

Things continued to go the Slayers' way the rest of the inning and they notched another run before the wily veterans of NK, most of whom probably aren't old enough to legally drink, ended the inning by actually catching a ball. The score stood at
2-0 as the Slayers donned their gloves for the first time. Getzlow, looking to protect his shutout, wouldn't have to worry about it for too long. After just three batters, they NKs had tied the game, and before you can say, "Uh-oh," they had taken the lead.

Fortunately, the Slayers' bats came to life in the middle innings as the team rallied from a 4-2 defecit to take a 10-5 lead. Hit after hit was sprayed all over the field, with every Slayer taking his or her cue from their surging teammates. Team Manager Seth Gunderson said that most of the credit for the rally belonged to Tug McTighe, who took advantage of both of his at-bats, notching a single and a double and scoring twice. He also led a defensive effort that put the vice grips on NK's formidible offensive power, dousing their flames with like a wet blanket.

"Boy was I stupid to not start Tug," Gunderson would admit during his post-game press conference. "I mean that guy's clearly our rock. Rock solid. Solid. Like a rock. Rock."

So, with a healthy five run lead and a girl leading off the final inning for NK, Neil Getzlow did what any good pitcher would, walk the lead-off hittter on four straight pitches.

"No question, that's a stupid thing to do. But the Ump was squeezing the strike zone. Those same ptiches were strikes earlier in the game. What can you do?" said Getzlow.

Fortunately, as quickly as Getzlow tried to hand the game to the other team, he was able to compose himself, settle down, and snatch it right back. Clinging to a two run lead, the Slayers were looking at the bases loaded and two outs. NK's top hitter was at the plate and SHE lined a bullet right back up the middle that Getzlow somehow managed to snare in his glove. He then raced home and dove for the plate with his glove, barely beating the fleet-footed runner charging down the third base line. And that was the game, Slayers win 10-8. Hugs all around.

All in all, it was a rousing win for the Slayers who, after just one game, are already batting 1000.

Who's next on the Slay List?
Bernstein-Rein vs. SHS - Thursdsay, May 26 7 pm - Penn Valley Park